Creating space for the curious Self
This piece was originally composed on February 25, 2025, here at this table at The Artist House in Bangkok, Thailand. Throughout my writing, I will intersperse moments along my journey I thought were beautiful and captured with photography.
Every day, I wake up no less than two times, each time thinking it’s time for me to begin life for the day. After 8pm, the sky looks the same until the sun rises again, so waking up at 10pm or 3am could be 5am which is this close to dawn, when it would be a sufficient time for me to begin my day. In earnest.
These are the sentiments of jet lag, a companion with me these past few days in Bangkok.
I’ve only been here for a week, only here for one more night before I travel to Koh Samui, but Bangkok has a feeling of home I didn’t expect. The best things in life are unexpected — I’m remembering this lately.
I first came to Thailand in late February 2014, to celebrate the birthday of a friend. I was studying in Hong Kong at the time and part of a robust and diverse friend group whose main point of connection was travel.
Previous to that initial trip to Thailand, we’d traveled as a group of 13 to Palawan, Philippines, because why not? In fact, “Why not?” had been my treasured saying that year and for a few years afterwards.
When people would ask me why I chose to study abroad in Hong Kong, I’d say “why not?”. They’d chuckle, shrug, and carry on. Same situation when I chose to teach English in South Korea three years later.
Part of me was using the phrase to get people out of my business, but another part of me was steeped in the eccentric potential and possibility of “why not?”. I don’t know when I stopped using the phrase, but I’m glad writing this has brought it back to consciousness. It’s delectably freeing and expansive!
Anyway, my February 2014 journey to Thailand passed over Bangkok, and we landed right in Phuket for partying. That was the vibe back then. But now, I’ve journeyed to Thailand with different intentions. It impresses me how returning to a place previously traveled can enliven dormant elements within, inspiring new or remembered permutations of my personality — for instance, this “why not?” spirit I mentioned above.
I suppose that, throughout my 20s, I became a bit strict with my expression of self; I felt I needed boundaries because I lived with many interests and passions. However, when I suppressed or ignored when the calling was to experience and express, I felt the mental and somatic detriment of such a decision. The thing is, during that period of my life, I was finding that experiencing and expressing my fullness — my multidimensionality — was leading to more curiosity and thirst for knowledge and experience. At that time, I fearfully wondered if, when, and how this force of curiosity would stop. I needed it to draw to a conclusion somehow because I already felt the world around me wasn’t able to contain my fullness in a way in which I felt appropriately seen and loved. If I leaned into more of me, would that mean I would be held less by the world?
Somewhere along the line, I became intimidated by my own creative abundance and intelligence such that I suppressed my “why not?” spirit. Subconsciously, I felt that in order for the world to hold me, in order to have a chance at being accepted by the standards that bred me, I should make my efforts, actions, and creations have a discernible purpose. Everything should eventually draw to a linear, packagable conclusion.
But as I’ve been in Bangkok for these past few days, the spirit of “contrived purpose” has been weakening. I’ve been experiencing this weakening as the pressure of expectations on my mental body and physical heart space, causing anxiety. The pressure of excellence is making itself known to me so I can choose how to engage with it.
And then I remembered something I learned back in my economics class first year of university — the law of diminishing returns. Okay, I don’t remember the law, but in my mind’s eye, I can see the chart showing the point at which that which was previously effective switches to being ineffective and eventually, detrimental.
When did I miss the transition? Was this anxiety the transition?
In any case, I measured the anxiety of pressure to excel within an external paradigm against the relaxed environment of the neighborhood I’ve been living in over the last week. It’s local. It’s Thai. It’s predictable. I don’t get the sense that people are striving for anything past embodying kindness, taking care of themselves, their families, and their neighbors, and carrying on to another day.
It sounds boring when I write it, but in contrast to the anxiety of constant excellence, living for the moment, for community, for this very breath, sounds nourishing. And it is.
I know where the drive to excel comes from. It’s a pillar in my patrilineal family. It’s also my nature. But so far on this trip to Bangkok, and as I reflect on my life experiences thus far, I see that excellence as an expectation and excellence as a spontaneous result of authentic curiosity are two different things. In fact, in the latter, I think it’s rather perceived as skill, creativity, passion. The energy is generated in the heart and the body and channeled into the object of interest. There are no expectations. There is only Love.
This is where the spirit of “why not?” can really thrive. It’s not as frivolous as my tightly-wound self would think — not if I align my “why not?” with genuine curiosity. Genuine curiosity is all about presence. It’s about sinking into the sentiments of my heart, listening keenly, and honoring the untouched desires of my heart. All of this is a conversation with my soul.
A frivolous “why not?” absolves me of the responsibility of the consequences of pursuing my curiosities. There are always consequences. But when I try to evade consequences with the “why not?” of youthful exuberance or resentful rebellion, those consequences are often heavier and reveal in some way the need for my maturation.
My theory of self-creation is metabolizing — embodying. It’s subtle, but there are tells, and these tells exist through somatic awareness. For example, the felt anxiety of the pressure of excellence on my chest and my breathing: 6 months ago, I chalked this anxiety up to any number of things without seeing I was under pressure to perform and to “get it right.” I’d continued on the path of proving myself to the world to see if I and my baggage could take up some space. And I increased the anxiety.
*deep breath here*
But now, when anxiety about performing well and being accepted arises, I witness my breath quicken, my chest tighten, and then my mind say, “release it, you are safe, you are free, let it bring you joy.” And the anxiety drops and dissolves into the void of my womb. And I breathe in fullness again.
All of this is about creating space — or in this case, reestablishing the space that pressure previously inhabited.
And hopefully, this space continues to be as nourishing as all the Thai street food and drinks I’ve been enjoying every day. I should enjoy them now because it’ll be different when I’m on Koh Samui, deepening my healing medicine and holistic wellness practice through Qigong.
Until then…
